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I don't know what set it off.

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May. 19th, 2010 | 10:56 pm
mood: distressedin recovery
music: She & Him - I Should Have Known Better | Powered by Last.fm

But when I list all of the things that are going on right now, I realize everything set it off.

I had a pretty low period in the last 48 hours or so, and it's finally dissipating. I even just went to bed at 6:00 p.m. because I didn't feel like dealing with the day anymore. I was woken up by text messages an hour or so later and managed to get out of the house to be productive. It was more like fleeing the house, actually, because I knew nothing good would come from staying hunkered down there all night. After a long walk and a few tears in this library carrel, I feel much better, and writing it out will help yet more.

I'd like to say that this was just triggered by the anxiety of being in limbo before my summer move happens and the terrible weather (wow, I need spring to come on schedule like I had no idea), but there was much more:
  • I've been tagging old entries on this blog and read some from prior low times. Most of those also came in summers, when I was in limbo and had fewer friends around for support, and the parallels to right now weren't helpful.
  • Momma is having a hysterectomy tomorrow. We talked about it yesterday and we know it's completely routine, and I'll call tomorrow after it's over to see that everything went fine. But it's still anxiety-inducing, a bit.
  • My great-uncle just died. He was 78 and it was not unexpected, but I hurt for his kids and grandkids, because his wife (my great-aunt) has been in a nursing home with Alzheimer's for about 3 years now, and she didn't recognize her husband for a long time. So, in a way, they have no parents remaining. Also, he was a rancher and a big force behind keeping up El Pino Real, so we will miss his presence a great deal.
  • I met a guy I like last weekend, as I'd written about, and he seemed enthusiastic about meeting up again but it hasn't worked out, and all signs were pointing to him just being polite rather than communicating his lack of interest. Until tonight, when I found out he's actually been out of town. Oy.
  • Related to that point, I'm feeling very single right now, at a time when I don't especially want to be and when I'm surrounded by so many people that aren't. I can be patient on this one, but it's just been a bad week for that.
  • A minor gripe, but our home internet is also in limbo and for the moment I have to use a random open wifi network that works only half the time. I want communication channels open when I'm at home and feeling like this, and this doesn't help.
Fortunately, I've been able to come out of it, because I have a lot to keep me busy in the next week preparing for DC. Also, it is somewhat comforting even during low times like these that I am good at the basics of life: I am financially secure, and I made bacon mac and cheese from scratch earlier, and I'm physically fit, and I keep my support networks informed and feel I can rely on them. It's a little bit easier to go on when I know that at least I kept all of this going regardless of how I felt. In hindsight, my spring cleaning binge was probably an attempt to distract myself from what was coming in my mind.

Blah. But I've been putting in some work hours tonight and I'm pleased with my progress. Tomorrow I have an 11:00 a.m. meeting where I'll get some much-needed updates on projects, and it's also payday. I'm going to get a haircut either tomorrow or Friday in preparation for my debut in the District, LOL.

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Comments {7}

badger

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from: badger
date: May. 20th, 2010 03:04 am (UTC)
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A minor gripe, but our home internet is also in limbo and I have to use a random open wifi network that works only half the time for the moment. I want communication channels open when I'm at home, and this doesn't help.

I am surprised whenever this happens how annoying and frustrating it affects me. Wish you well.

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jonathan

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from: silverthief2
date: May. 20th, 2010 03:20 am (UTC)
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Thanks. Even if AT&T can't get it together soon, I move in a week anyway so I'll survive!

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from: ex_geekygab
date: May. 20th, 2010 10:51 am (UTC)
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I'm glad you pulled yourself out of the funk. That's not always easy, and I can understand these low periods you have. I get 'em, too. You're better at staying open to communication during them, though, whereas I tend to just isolate myself.

I hope your mom will be okay; it's hard not to worry about she who bore us. And I'm sorry about your great-uncle. It's sad that your great-aunt has Alzheimer's. Sad to watch someone's mind stop working.

Your future is bright and promising, though, and life will get better. Hang in there. :)

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jonathan

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from: silverthief2
date: May. 20th, 2010 02:44 pm (UTC)
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I learned from experience that isolating myself didn't do any good, and often prolonged the episode.

Thanks for your kind words, things are continuing to get better today.

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fousheezy

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from: fousheezy
date: Jun. 4th, 2010 03:13 pm (UTC)
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Feeeeeeeeel betterrrrrrrrrz! I really appreciated your message yesterday- I was listening to my bosses talk about how they had just interviewed a (totally unqualified) friend of theirs for a programming position because he needed work. I hated working with this person when he was a contractor last summer, and I was thinking to myself how hellish it would be working with him fulltime. Instead they're hiring a coworker's boyfriend. The amount of blatant nepotism is driving me crazy. Anyway, thanks for that.

On a related note, you are sooooper datable. I'm sure you'll find some hotness in DC, so get out there. If I do end up coming to DC this summer, I want you to know all the good places to go! :P

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jonathan

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from: silverthief2
date: Jun. 4th, 2010 09:52 pm (UTC)
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Thanks, I do feel better since making this post, and will be "hunting" in DC. :]

When workplaces go bad, they can go really bad. Don't worry, you are also sooper employable so I wouldn't worry too much.

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fousheezy

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from: fousheezy
date: Jun. 4th, 2010 10:12 pm (UTC)
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Haha, thanks :) This morning, I got a call from the company I had given up hope of hearing back from! They want me to meet the CEO on Monday :D

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